As emergency toilet roll – though experts warn it's already full of crap

As a hamster cage lining – or any other dumb animal of your choice

As a useful garden scarecrow – even those birds happy to pick over festering corpses will give the 'Screws a wide berth

As 'exhibit A' in any number of forthcoming trials

As fire lighters – it goes up in flames quicker than Murdoch's BSkyB bid

As a poster for the Press Complaint's Commission's 'Triumphs of Self-Regulation' wall

As a little aide memoir for Rebekah Brooks and Neil Wallis

As a warning to any children who want to become tabloid journalists

As a warning to all of us just how corrupt, criminal, amoral and obscene public life in Britain becomes when politicians suck the cocks of newspapers who have already bought off the police.