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Woman accidentally seals butt-hole shut, while trying hair removal on the cheap

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bikini-lineLASER hair removal may not be cheap but maybe after reading this the more discerning lady (or at least the ones with a healthy self-preservation gene!) might think laser hair removal to be the only sensible option.

It is a true internet blog telling the tale of the night one unlucky woman managed to wax her butt-hole shut!

Read it and weep, but be warned it's not for the faint-hearted!

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,

play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully

in my mind for the next few hours: “Maybe should pull the waxing kit

out of the medicine cabinet.”

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of

those “cold wax” kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub

the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them

apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the

hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I’m not a genius, but

I

am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

< BR>So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each

other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius

kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.

(“Cold wax,”

yeah…right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around

it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do

this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all

wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I

sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting

championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right

side

of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and

stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)

I inhale deeply and b race myself….RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!….OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half

the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is

spinning

and spotted.

I think I may pass out…must stay conscious…must stay conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe…OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has

caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to

revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the

strip!

There’s no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see

the hair. The hair that should be on the strip…it’s not! I touch.

I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is

now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I ma ke the next BIG

mistake…remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know

I

need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do

and think to myself “Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My

head may pop off!” What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I’ll run the hottest water I can

stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the

wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than that used to

torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued

together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom

of the tub…in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.

So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented

myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a

few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some

secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation

starter

“So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the

tub!”

There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks for

removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to

know exactly where the wax is located, “Are we talking cheeks or

hole

or hoo-ha?”

She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her the

rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else’s night.

While

we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the

wax

off wi th a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie

goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super

hot

water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is

not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m

going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving

grace….the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY

GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens

out of my friend. It’s sooo painful, but I really don’t care. “IT

WORKS!!

It works !!” I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she

hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then

notice to my grief and despair….THE HAIR IS STILL THERE…….ALL

OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by now. Noth ing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I’m going to try hair color…..”

So whether that's laser hair removal Washington DC, or laser hair removal Chicago, or laser hair removal Virginia, or laser hair removal Maryland, or laser hair removal Manhattan, or laser hair removal New York City, or laser hair removal Los Angeles, it HAS to be better than cheap waxing!


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